i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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