what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
