i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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