We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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