god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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