Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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