I hate all girls vehemently.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
