There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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