Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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