I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
