I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
