note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
