did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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