You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
