That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
