i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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