my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
