and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
