If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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