i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was like giving head to a cactus.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
