i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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