im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
