"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
