hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
