Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
