I'm gonna have a badass scar
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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