Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
