the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
