That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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