this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
