hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
