Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
