wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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