conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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