im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just had sex on a roof
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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