I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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