I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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