i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
