You're so nebulous sometimes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
