I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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