In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
