You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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