Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
