Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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