Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
