No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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