Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Michael Bay diarrhea
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
