im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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