I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
