I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
