I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
