How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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