Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
