Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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