my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
