Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
