Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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