The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The air was thick with penises
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize