It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
