How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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