eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
